Torvill & Dean

No other biscuit will ever get a review, by me, on here. But this is special.

Appearance: Pretty standard. A bit like Rachel Stevens in food form. Alright on paper. Everything is there. And in the right place. But when you look for too long you just get bored and overwhelmed by a sense of emptiness. 

The flip side is confusing and makes me cringe.  The biscuit bit floats impossibly in the solid chocolate as though it idiotically gave into temptation and perfected a completely horizontal belly flop in order to to fulfill its gooey chocolatey need. Unbeknown to the stupid biscuit the chocolate instantly solidified and now the biscuit lies there, like a freak, in this weird rectangular pool. Drowned in no more than 5 mm of chocolate. Fool!

 

If you can ever get over the fact that the bumpy bits on the edges are called 'teeth',  (check the wiki page,) you might be able to bring yourself to put this thing in your mouth.  This is when it's existence seems clearer. This is when the choco leibniz excretes, most elegantly, on the chocolate digestive. 

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When eating prawns, mussels or non filleted sardines, the challenge of getting food from plate to mouth in complete edible form is rewarding . It can be time consuming. Sometimes, with prawns,  the head doesn't rip straight off and sometimes it's filled with those tiny egg like things which were described to me once as  'bits of brain damage.'  We still go through this trauma cos we are all sadistic freaks and we love mauling our food before eating it.

Here, trauma comes in the form of delight. The lightest of pressure applied by your two front teeth and in a satisfying 'snap' the chocolate is yours. And it's good chocolate too, not like some of the fake European stuff. You work your way around, clockwise normally, anti-clockwise if you're feeling anarchic. It's a bad day if you get one where the biscuit isn't accurately centered in the chocolate and you get to the fourth edge ready to nibble away squirrel and acorn style, only to realise you've been denied your final chocolate overhang because of a biscuit that took a messy dive. 

However,  preparation is over and you take the first BITE bite and quickly establish...  aside from Torvill and Dean this is the only time you will ever experience two things working in complete and utter harmony with one another.